The Cyber Security "Silver Bullet" is Finally Here!

Due to the overwhelming demand for an "all-in-one" security solution, Caffeine Security is happy to announce our solution, which we are releasing as "Caffeine Security Silver Bullet".  This net appliance will be the ultimate solution to all of your security needs.




Here is an infogram of everything contained within the Silver Bullet.  Click to enlarge.

 

Here's a breakdown of what you get in the Silver Bullet:

Virus Sterilizer - Scans all incoming packets and automatically identifies viral packets.  These packets are replaced with null terminators, which have been specifically designed not to become self-aware.

Intrusion Zapper - Provides intrusion prevention for network and physical access.  When a physical intrusion is detected, a small electrical charge is sent to the offender.  If the offender does not leave, increased voltage is applied, until the offender leaves or is incapacitated.

Phish Fryer - Detects any employee responses to Phishing emails, and automatically "cooks" the email, replacing the credentials with false ones, wasting the phisher's time. An alert is also sent to management, so that the employee can be disciplined appropriately.

Social Engineer Deterrence Headslapper - Monitors employee communications for responses to social engineering.  Should an employee begin to respond to social engineering, a robotic arm locates the employee's position and provides a gentle "head slap" as a reminder not to respond.

RFC1149 Transmission Redundancy Module - monitors for lost network packets. If network packet loss exceeds the predefined threshold, the RFC1149 module will kick in and begin releasing network transmissions through the redundant carrier system.

BONUS "Green" Backup Generator - The backup generator can provide enough power to keep your network room running in the case of a power failure.  Through the marvels of science, this generator requires only small amounts of food and water to keep running indefinitely.

Above is the power source used by the prototype backup unit.  The actual backup unit uses two of the above power sources, which will alternate spinning the generator flywheel.  Optionally, a third power source can be added for redundancy.  These power sources are self replicating, and the housing unit should be cleaned periodically during routine maintenance windows.

Final production release of the Silver Bullet is still TBD, but we're currently aiming for December 1, 2013.

Stay tuned to Caffeine Security, and you'll recieve further updates on this latest innovation!